Michelle Weirich

on 17th May, the consultant said that I "didn't seem very surprised" and I don't think I was really.  My husband, Matt was upset but I didn't react at all at first.  Despite not being surprised, I think I was still in a state of shock.  As the consultant carried on speaking, I felt like I'd drifted into a parallel universe; I could see her speaking but I couldn't tell you what she said.  On the journey home, Matt and I didn't really talk.  We went straight to my mum's house and told her and my step-dad the news, then told the rest of our family and friends a bit later on.  I remember thinking it was all very surreal and I didn't know how to act or react around everyone; I just felt numb.

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It wasn't until a few days later that the news finally sunk in.  It was in the evening, we were in the kitchen hanging up washing and I suddenly started thinking about what my funeral would be like!  I burst into tears and felt as if I wanted to just fall to the floor but Matt held me.  He was upset too.  We were both frightened about what was going to happen. 

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The wait for further test results was agonising and a particularly terrifying time.  I had bad anxiety and panic attacks at night.  I started being afraid of the dark and didn't want to do anything on my own, such as putting the children to bed.  All I could think of was that I might not be here to do this for very long.  I lay in bed at night, wondering what the cancer was doing inside of me, wondering if it had spread, imagining the worst. 

 

The lump had grown to such an extent that I could see it when I was naked, especially when I was lying down and I found it difficult to be intimate with Matt.  I felt as if the cancer was this dirty thing inside me and I desperately just wanted it gone. 

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On 26th May, I was told that my breast cancer was oestrogen receptor positive (ER+) and I understood this to be good news.  However, the hospital still didn't have the results for the HER2 test (see bottom of page for info); they were waiting for this from Oxford.  The first line of testing had produced a borderline result so a further (FISH) test had to be done.  Thankfully, we eventually had the HER2 results back on 8th June and it was negative.

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It was around this time that we decided to tell our eldest son, Jack who was eight-and- a-half (I've included a link at the bottom of the page where you can read about how we did this).  

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I went back to see the consultant on 15th June with my mum to discuss the diagnosis in more detail and my treatment plan.  It was decided that, due to the type of cancer (ER+, provisionally grade II) and the negative HER2 result, they would carry out the surgery first.  After much discussion, I decided that I would like a double mastectomy as felt that the other breast was just a liability and I would only worry about cancer coming back there in the future.  Also, I felt like having one breast would leave me feeling unbalanced, not physically (as my breasts were only small), but mentally.  I had a bit of an all-or-nothing attitude in that respect as well as having a slight OCD about certain things being equal or neat.

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During the appointment the consultant also advised me that it was likely I would be offered chemotherapy as well as radiotherapy after the surgery.  I was most fearful of the chemotherapy but put it to the back of my mind for now.

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The consultant got back to me later on after she'd spoken to her team to confirm that they had agreed to carry out the double mastectomy and I was happy!  I chose not to have immediate reconstruction as was worried there would be complications that would delay the rest of my treatment and, at that stage, just wanted my breasts gone.

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All that we could do now was wait to be given a date for the surgery and we didn't have to wait that long.  On 16th June we were told that my operation would be carried out on 30th June.

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