You might be mistaken for thinking that, because you have a serious illness and are having a hard time, the universe will be kinder to you in other ways. For the record, it isn't. You still stub your toe, spill things and stuff still falls out of cupboards on top of you.
This morning for example, after being up at 4am trying a million different ways to get a two year old to take some frickin' medicine (at one point 'Doggy', a cuddly toy, was involved... Doggy was brave, Doggy tried some of the medicine himself... Hell! Doggy even held the syringe in his paws to feed Harry the medicine!) I walked downstairs only to find that the cat had been sick on the living room carpet. I mean, seriously? After spending about 20 minutes clearing up cat sick, I thought I'd reward myself with a nice cup of tea and a slice of toast (don't worry, I washed my hands). But why should that be a straightforward task? Managed to flick a giant knob of butter on the floor. Still clumsy. Is it not enough that I've got no boobs, no hair and have to go through chemotherapy? Apparently not! Universe-must-make-sure-shit-is-kept-real-and-make-annoying-things-happen (that was the universe talking in a robotic voice in case you didn't get it). To top it all off, Harry is now on antibiotics for a chest infection and you can imagine how that's going (by 'that', I mean the taking of the antibiotics; yeah right!).
Universe rant over now.
Have just felt generally fed up today. I've definitely struggled more mentally after this last round of chemo; been very emotional and anxious. I'm feeling very apprehensive (bricking it in fact) about my first and next cycle with the dreaded 'T' drug.
Also, I think today is the first time that I've been properly down about my body image. I looked in the mirror at my naked self the other day and saw absolutely nothing attractive. It's a startling realisation. Without wanting to sound horrendously arrogant, I miss being an attractive wife. You'd think that wanting to be attractive would be the last thing on my mind (generally it is; believe me, I just want to get through the treatment in one piece) but at the moment, it's a problem. I think the trauma of this whole experience is starting to catch up with me.
At this point, I'd just like to say that I've not written the above for sympathy or reassurance and, although I usually like there to be some sort of message with my posts, I'm not sure there is one here. Only to say that, sometimes you just feel fed up. With the whole cancer-chemo gig, life can become a very surreal experience and it's a harsh reality that people are getting on with theirs around you. It's nobody's fault and in no way does it take away from the love and support of friends and family. To quote a Gavin and Stacey line: "it's just the way it is." I suppose I hope that I hope that by giving an honest account of my thoughts and feelings throughout my 'journey' (I hate that word), it will relate to people going through the same sort of thing and help those around them to understand. Why do I feel the need to clarify everything?! (rolling my eyes at myself).
Anyway, until next time, I shall continue to claw my way through the 'danger period' hoping this cough doesn't get the better of me.
Keep it real gang! (If you don't, the universe will)
Case in point: Matt knocked a can of coke over on the coffee table as I was writing this post. You gotta laugh!
Laters x