Don’t actually know where to begin; both in this post and in life in general. (Cringing at the drama in that sentence but I’m trying to say things how they are). Since the initial relief of finishing chemo wore off, I’ve had time to reflect on my ‘cancer journey’ so far and all aspects of my life. It’s been emotional!
I think that, when you’re having chemotherapy, you have no choice but to pile all your energy and focus into that, because it’s so shitty and takes so much out of you, the idea of finishing it and getting back to normal is what keeps you going. But the reality is that you don’t get back to ‘normal’. Not the normal you once knew, anyway. K, so that sounds terribly depressing, but I don’t mean it in that way. There is just a lot to get your head around.
For example, some of the longer-term side effects of chemo. Now gents, I’m gonna talk about… wait for it…
The big ‘M’…
Yeeeeaa…
The menopause.
Is that the simultaneous slamming down of laptop covers I can hear?? No? Still with me? Ok then, here goes...
So, I haven’t had a visit from the Scarlett lady (heh! Just made that up!) since chemo numero 4. After that, the hot flushes started to creep in… just in the mornings at first but they’ve now made themselves a regular feature throughout the day, so I figured I must be starting the menopause (there’s those double thumbs up again).
I mean, hot flushes… (oh boy, having one now….. they knowwwwww!!!!!) they are intense man! They come on and I feel like I need to cool down IMMEDIATELY which involves stripping off as many layers as possible, as quickly as possible. Imagine a very unerotic strip routine. The panic is ridiculous. There’s lots of flapping of clothes and, well, I was gonna say lips but that sounds very wrong! My face goes red as well. It’s most unsightly.
I did have to laugh because I was explaining to my friend about having a hot flush one night; I got out of bed as fast as lightning, opened the blind and flung open the window, then stood their completely naked with my arms outstretched. I said.. any passers-by (hopefully there weren’t) would have been like.. is it a boy? Is it a girl? Is it… Jee-sus on the crucifix??! Fear not passers-by! Tis just a woman with no boobs having a hot flush. No biggy. Oh how life has changed.
Speaking of changes, clothes shopping has started to become an entirely different experience. I learned that wearing cotton is supposed to help with the flushes so decided to invest in a few cotton garments! I thought I’d go Primarni, see if I could get some cotton PJ’s. Took me bloody ages looking at all the frickin’ labels to see what they were made of!
I’m quite conscious of how I can sort of see the funny side of this whole menopause situation though. I mean, I’ve been lucky enough to be able to have two children of my own and there were no plans to have anymore but I can imagine that going through this prior to having children or wanting more children would be utterly devastating. Having said that, I think if I was to have said to the nurse prior to chemo, that I wanted children in the future, there probably would have been conversations about this with the relevant medical professionals and a possibility of eggs being frozen. Mind you, even though I am relatively accepting of ‘the change’, it’s still quite something to say farewell to fertility; to know that I definitely don’t have a choice anymore.
Anyway, whilst I’m not too sad to say goodbye to periods, there are a couple of other menopause related problems I’m none too pleased about. Let’s just say I am somewhat irritated! In the words of Jesse from The Fast Show (showing my age): This week, I are been mostly suffering with something that rhymes with ‘Ian Rush’. I wonder if I've just made up my own cockney rhyming slang there... "can't go near the trouble and strife mate, she's got a touch of the old Ian!" Apparently it’s likely to be an ongoing thing (can’t get enough of those thumbs up today). In addition, something (ahem) has now become rather painful.. rhymes with ‘Rex’ (!). Also (because I haven’t shared enough already) there’s some other crazy stuff goin’ onnnnn down there. I’ve had a noticeable increase in something that rhymes with (fan of the rhymes today), wiiiiith… hmmmm, now let me think... gonna go for ‘Miss Large’. I mean, noticeable to the point that I thought I’d wet myself when I woke up the other morning. It was vile. Apparently all this stuff is menopause related, I Googled it. Course I did. So, there we are! Just need to sort out Ian, Rex and Miss Large and I’ll be fine!
My poor, poor husband. It’ll get better though… won’t it…?!?!?
By the way, I know I’m oversharing and sorry for TMI, but you must know me by now and you really have no one to blame but yourself if you carried on reading past the 3rd paragraph. Anyway, I do feel it is important to give an honest account of these things although having read this back to myself I’m not sure why now! Hmm…. to publish or not to publish?… that is the question.. Aaaah faaacck iiiiit!! Publish it is!
On a more positive and less personal note, my hair is growing back – yay! Eyebrows and eyelashes – ‘no’ (still clinging on to a few stragglers on both), but head hair – ‘YES!’
Also, rather embarrassing situation the other day at radiotherapy when I realised my armpit hair had started growing back. I say ‘started’ but that’s not strictly true, I mean, it’s got some length to it so must have been growing a while. Thing is, they ask you not to shave on the side of the radiotherapy anyway, and I hadn’t been because I wasn’t really aware of anything much there until I got changed for my first treatment and lifted my arms in front of the mirror only to see a reflection somewhat resembling Madonna (without the pointy boobs of course). Eh-heyyyy whadda’ ya know, I went all personal again. Soz.
What can I talk about that isn’t too personal… ah yes, so, radiotherapy. It’s going ok, had two weeks of it so far. I have something called ‘Deep Inspiration Breath Hold’ radiotherapy. Basically, because I’m having it on my left side (where the grade 3 cancer was), I have to hold my breath through a machine while they deliver the treatment so as to help protect my heart. It was daunting at first but I got the hang of the breath holding thing quite quickly so don’t mind it at all really. There’s no pain involved either and so far, my skin is still ok. Sometimes you can get sore skin, like it’s been sun burnt. If it helps anyone, I have been using E45 Intense Recovery body lotion twice a day (once straight after treatment and again in the evening). Also, I only use Simple soap for washing and wear vests that are 100% cotton. I haven’t really been wearing deodorant either and I think that has helped. You would think that I would stink but I haven’t been particularly active so all ok on that front as far as I’m aware! If you want to wear deodorant while having radiotherapy, you should only use certain products. If I do wear it these days, I use a product called Salt of the Earth. My friend bought a deodorant but was told she couldn’t use it while having radiotherapy as it contained zinc so that’s something to be aware of. Another thing… I don’t wear my fake tits on the days that I’m having treatment as a general rule. They are kind of irritating to be honest. Well, not the prostheses, the fact that I have to wear a bra to put them in! In fact, I would go as far as to say that wearing fake tits really gets on my tits!
Anyway, got one week to go of radiotherapy and then I’m done on the active treatment front. Doesn’t seem possible really. This time a year ago I’d found a lump and had no idea what was in store.
After I was diagnosed, I remember my oncologist showing me on a diagram what the order of treatment would be and thinking how I had such a long way to go around the circle that she'd drawn, but now I’ve nearly made it!
Well, nearly made it apart from the reconstruction that is. Pretty much decided that I would like a reconstruction now, but in the meantime, not having boobs and all the other crap are the smallest of prices to pay for being alive and for finally feeling well.
On the subject of feeling well, I went to London recently to visit my bro and his girlfriend. They took me to the Tate to admire the views across the city.
I can’t put into words how I felt when I stepped out onto that balcony. I just thought… I am here. And that’s all there is to say really.
